


The Doctor Just Had Sex

by Caedmon



Series: Doctor/Rose Prompts [36]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, I was Triple Dog Dared, Ridiculousness, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, spontaneous post-coital singalongs, that's the only defense I have
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 23:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10581495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon/pseuds/Caedmon
Summary: The Doctor and Rose have finally consummated their relationship, and everything is fantastic. But Rose is dismayed by one of the Doctor's...post-coital habits.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, listen. I've written some ridiculous shit in my life. Some really, really ridiculous shit. This is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever *read*, much less written. You are warned. 
> 
> Prompted by captaingrahamcr on tumblr, who wanted a fic based on [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o) like, a year ago. I didn't post it then and God only knows why I'm posting it now, but here you go.
> 
> I am so, so sorry.

The Doctor rolled off of Rose with a moan, taking her with him so that she had an arm and a leg thrown across him, her shoulder nuzzled into the crook of his arm. It hadn’t been long since they’d properly been a couple, it had been even less time since they started a sexual relationship. But every time they were together was just as brilliant, fulfilling and emotional as that first time. She sighed contentedly.

“That was fantastic,” she murmured against his chest, planting a kiss there. “ _Very_ impressive.”

He giggled, and even without looking she knew he had his tongue pressed to the back of his teeth, the look he always got when he was pleased with himself. She couldn’t blame him. He had every good reason to be pleased with himself.

“It was, wasn’t it?” he preened. Rose purred and stretched against him, and he squeezed her a little closer.

“You know Rose…”

She made an inquisitive sound, her eyes still closed in bliss.

“Sometimes, something beautiful happens in this world…”

Rose’s entire body went stiff. “Doctor…” she said in a warning tone.

“You don’t know how to express yourself, so…”

She pushed away from him. “No. Don’t you dare. You express yourself just fine. Stop now.”

“…you just gotta sing.”

“Get out.” Rose brought her feet up and put them against his side, pushing him off the side of the bed. He disappeared over the edge of their bed, then popped up, dancing and singing.

“ _I just had sex, and it felt so good! It felt so good! A woman let me put my penis inside of her!_ ”

Rose huffed and rolled over. “Numpty.”

“ _I just had sex! And I’ll never go back (never go back) to the not-having-sex ways of the past!_ ”

“You just might,” she muttered darkly.

The Doctor danced around to her side of the bed. “ _Have you ever had sex? I have, it felt great. It felt so good when I did with my penis!_ ”

“A penis that is in clear and present danger if you don’t quit singing and dancing.”

He gave her a cheeky grin but went on. “ _A girl let me do it. It literally just happened._ ”

Rose pointed at him. “You are treading on thin ice, Time Lord.”

The Doctor bent and swooped up his pajama bottoms, still singing, adding a little dance once he had his sleep trousers on. “ _Oh hey, didn’t see you there, guess what I just did! Had sex, undressed, saw her boobies and the rest._ ”

Rose rolled her eyes. “For a nine-hundred-year-old man, you’re acting like a fucking teenager.”

He ignored her, dancing. “ _I just had sex! And it felt so good!_ ”

“Better remember that feeling for a long while…” Rose threatened.

“ _To be honest, I’m surprised she really wanted me to do it -_ ”

“May not again, you daft idiot. Do you _have_ to sing this song every time we make love?”

“ _…Doesn’t really make sense but, man, screw it. I ain’t one to argue with a good thing_. Get ready, Rose, your part is coming!”

“That’ll be the only thing coming around here for a while…” Rose warned.

“ _She could be my wife! That good?_ Sing it with me, Rose!”

She bowed her head and buried it in her hands, sighing heavily.

“Roooooose…”

She swore then raised her eyes to his bright, happy face, and muttered. “The best thirty seconds of my life.”

The Doctor cackled, then danced around the room, bouncing on one leg in a circle with his arms wide.

“You look like you’re in a bloody boy band,” she groused.

“ _So this one’s dedicated to them girls_ ,” he pointed at Rose, “ _that let us flop around on top of them!_ ”

Rose buried her face in her hands again. “Oh, God, what have I done?”

“ _Near or far, short or tall, we want to thank you all for letting us fuck you!_ ”

“Oh, now you’re speaking for all men, are you? I’m bloody serious. Are you going to do this every time we have sex? I’m not sure it’s worth it.”

He did a little dance at the foot of their bed, and Rose gaped. “Did you just _twerk_ at me? Is this what having part of Donna’s consciousness in you means?”

The Doctor giggled again, then spun around, still dancing.

“You’re an idiot.”

“ _Doesn’t matter, had sex!_ ”

“I mean it. A bloody wanker, you are.”

“ _Doesn’t matter, had sex!_ ”

“The Last of the Time Lords. Utter idiot.”

“ _Doesn’t matter, had sex!_ ”

She decided to lie to get him to stop. “I lied about that thing with your tongue.”

“ _Still counts!_ ”

Rose brought the pillow up to her face and yelled her frustration, then threw it at him. “If I _ever_ get my hands on Jack bloody Harkness again…”

The Doctor jumped up on the bed and started bouncing, his arms open wide as if praising some deity. “ _I just had sex! And my dreams came true! If you’ve had sex in the last thirty minutes then you’re qualified to sing with me!_ ”

Muffled voices came from outside the door, and Rose thought for one shining moment that she was saved. She just knew that her mum and Pete had heard him and humiliation would be enough to shut down this ridiculousness.

But Rose Tyler, it seemed, was not that lucky.

“ _I just had sex!_ ” came from a pair of voices on the other side of the door. The Doctor jumped down with a look of utter delight and threw the door open, finding Pete and Jackie there, arms around each other, singing. He joined in. “ _And it felt so good!_ ”

Pete took the next line all for himself. “ _Your mother let me put my penis inside of her!_ ”

Rose’s jaw dropped. “Oh. My. God.”

The three morons she lived with swayed back and forth. “ _I just had sex! And I’ll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past!_ ”

“I know at least one of you that will,” Rose snapped, wrapping the sheet around herself and heading to the door to jerk the Doctor inside and push her mother and Pete out, slamming the door on her parents who were doubled over, laughing. The Doctor just grinned at her.

“Are you done yet?” Rose demanded.

“That was fun, Rose! Wasn’t that fun? I mean, the sex was brilliant, obviously, no way you can deny that, not with the noises you made, eh? But the singalong afterwards!”

She leveled a finger at his bare chest and jabbed him. “If you _ever_ start singing that song again after we have sex, I’m going to make _absolutely sure_ that you _never_ get into my knickers again and you have to start singing another song. Do you understand me?”

The Doctor tried to school his features to look repentant, but she could tell he wasn’t at all sorry. “What song is that, Rose Tyler?”

Rose gave him an evil look. “Jizz in My Pants.”

 


End file.
